Those 114 days in the hospital in room 409 are a a vivid haze. Some moments I wouldn’t mind forgetting and yet those are the moments my Lord was there upholding and sustaining in a way in which I had never known before. He was the Rock on which I stood, the safehaven in which I ran to. My fortress and my God. This is a journey that proclaims the majesty of my God. A journey, that though hard . . .it was beautifully hard. What a paradox. . .I thank the Lord that I was able to see the pulse of life within me and watch in wonder and amazement as my little one moved in my tummy. I morned the loss of feeling little hiccups from within me but thank the Lord I got to see his first hiccups instead.  Oh how I wished that he had stayed all safe and warm — away from the harsh realities of this world. Oh how I wished I could protect my sweet innocent son from such a rough introduction to this world. And yet, he was here. My mighty man. Here, by God’s purpose and perfect design. 

Life is made of moments. Those moments define you. How you react to those moments define your days. 

I chose JOY during those days — even though we were not in our own home Josh and I delighted over our first born son. Rejoicing in our perfect miracle and every sweet and precious thing he did. We praised the Lord for the life of our son and the testimony of the Lord’s faithfulness that was and is evident every moment of every day. 

Oh the sweet memory of getting to see Josiah open his eyes for the very first time. Watching him try so diligently to open his fused eyes open when he heard his mommy’s and daddy’s voices. Oh to see him wrinkle his little brow and try with all his might to open that eye. And oh what celebration when he succeeded! I shall never forget my little pirate boy who opened his eye when he heard my voice. What joy! 

 Being able to witness his growth outside my womb. To see the miraculous beauty of the handiwork of our Creator as He continued forming our son before our eyes. How perfect he was. How perfect he is. 

I will never forget my longing to just kiss my sweet precious son. Even just a quick kiss on his ever sweet face. Please oh please. And yet there was an isolette preventing me from leaning over and kissing my son. Oh the day I got to kiss him. May I never take that simple kiss of love for granted. Oh did my arms ache to hold him near. To protect him, to sing to him, to comfort him, to love him. {I don’t think I could ever describe the feeling — to have your child so near, where his heartbeat and yours beat together, in the same vessel. And to all of a sudden – be prematurely torn apart. It isn’t what is meant to be.} To one moment having a little life within you moving and making himself known to the world and the next moment to not. With no remembrance of how that happened except for a physical pain of an emergency c-section – evidence that you did indeed have the tiny miraculous life growing within and an ache in your heart missing your child that was there just hours before inside of you.

And yet we do not live in a perfect world. This world full of sin, in need of redemption. Though some things are not supposed to happen, they do, but they happen because our Savior turns it into something beautiful. No matter the circumstance, no matter the outcome, HE is there turning ashes into beauty, showcasing His glory! 

This all may sound so horrible, so hopeless…but it wasn’t…despite it all Josh and I had His peace that surpasses all understanding, His constant, tender care. He guarded our heart and our minds. 

The nurses and doctors and surgeons hands were the hands He used. He guided them in everything. And we thank Him daily for the tender care of the Master Surgeon, The Creator of all. We thank him for hand selecting a wonderful team of nurses to love on our dear boy. We thank Him that our son’s life is a testimony to all who hear. 

So many milestones. So many mountains to climb. So many miraculous moments. Each peak seemed more intense but with every mountain scaled the strength of the Almighty seemed more and more evident. Abounding all reason. solidifying our trust. Grounding and deepening our faith. 

I won’t pretend it was easy, because it wasn’t. But I won’t pretend it was hard either because in my weakness HIS strength became tangible and visible like never before. Looking to HIM every step of the way. Trusting. Knowing without a doubt HIS way was perfect. 

“Living a life with hands wide open.” That phrase is penned many times through my journal before and during my pregnancy. He was wooing and preparing my heart for such a time as this. Building a foundation on my heart. A solid foundation that HE could build upon and make my faith stronger. Isaiah 7:9 “If you are not firm in faith, then you are not firm at all.” 

Faith. It is one of those elusive words of the Christian walk. It is used and referred to countless times. But what is it truly? It is complete and unyielding trust in our LORD Jehovah. “If you do not have a firm and unyielding resolution in the might and ability of your God, then you, your life, are not firm at all.”

“Faith thanks God in the middle of the story.” Ann Voscamp 

“Faith is taking the first step even when you can’t see the whole staircase.”

“Faith is the indefinable certainty of God behind everything.” Oswald Chambers 

Am I living a life of faith that man can not explain?! I remember asking myself this question. I remember the Lord whispering this question to my heart. Even now, this question rings… Is my faith rational? Can the rational men and women of this world explain my faith or is my faith unwavering when everything else around me is? 

I prayed a prayer using a favorite song on mine and my unborn bebe boy. As the song began to play Josiah would dance and flip as if to say “this is my favorite song mommy” even to this day it is his favorite. As my bebe boy danced within me a welling desire began dancing in my heart, “Lord, give me a trust without borders. Deepen my faith like never before. Strengthen me with your steadfast grace. Little did I know how the Lord would begin answering that prayer of my yearning heart. A heart that He was wooing, a heart that wants to be fully His. There are no words to completely capture the peace of His presence in each moment. Each wave that seemed to get stronger and stronger wanting to take us down with it only pushed us closer into the depths of His storehouse of grace. 

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders // let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me // Take me deeper then my feet could ever wander // & my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.” 

He called us out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail and there we find You in the mystery — In oceans deep Our faith will stand because…

“Your grace abounds in deepest waters // Your sovereign hand will be my guide // Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me // my You’ve never failed and you won’t start now.”

I can say with unwavering certainty that His grace is sufficient. His strength is alway sufficient. 

There is a quote by Charles Spurgeon saying, “I have learned to kiss the wave that drives me against the Rock of Ages.”

And even though there were many strong waves that hit us during this season instead of gasping for breath and fighting against the waves we leaned upon the strength of our Solid Rock and HE refreshed us, comforted us, reassured us, loved us, and deepened our faith, strengthened our trust, filled our hearts with joy everlasting, and gave us an even deeper vision of Calvary’s love. 

“Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus // just to take Him at his word…just to know thus saith the Lord” 

The Lord taught us so much during the time we spent in those four walls that were called “Josiah’s Room” for the time being. So many memories, not all that I would want to repeat: waiting to hear if my son was still breathing after a surgery, seeing my mighty mini man laying completely still with his sweet swollen tongue between his parted lips (because they had paralyzed him for his surgery because he was a mover and a shaker) the only evidence that he was with us was the monitor showing his heart beat, the beat of life, and the swell of his chest with the help of the breathing machine…each morning moment was an opportunity for us to choose trust, to choose Christ. It bring tears to my eyes still remembering those days. I thank the Lord for my husband, Josh, and what a source of strength he was to me. My strong tower, whose faith and trust in his Lord blew me away and challenged me to rest in Him knowing this was all for His glory & renown! 

“When peace like a river attendeth my soul // when sorrows like sea billows roll // whatever the cost, you have taught me to say // it is well, it is well with my soul”